On Monday April 4, 2016 at 6:53pm Jace Austin Cooley was born. Everyone tells you that it's the most overwhelming and intense love you will ever feel and let me tell you... I had no idea. I thought I was prepared and thought I loved this little boy as much as I could feeling him kick and move in my stomach and praying for him for the last 9 months. But the moment I heard his cry I was overwhelmed. It is insane to me that the love of God is so much more intense even then this. How do you bear the weight of it Lord? I can barely contain the weight of the love I feel for my one precious little boy.
I went into labor early Sunday morning with contractions about 5 minutes apart. My water broke around 11am and we headed to the hospital that afternoon with contractions about 3 minutes apart. I had great, steady contractions for the next day and a half with little change to my cervix. By 5pm monday night I was still only 3.5cm and my Doctor decided to do an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed our sweet little boy sunny side up and not putting enough pressure on my cervix to make it dilate. His little eyes just stared straight up at us looking as content and happy as he could be. My doctor recommended a c-section at that point and Austin and I took an hour to talk and pray about it. My worst fear going into labor was ending up with a c-section and it was a moment where I had to totally lay down my own expectations and surrender. I think every mother reaches a point where she has to surrender her desire to please people and the expectations our society puts on moms. Epidurals, c-sections, breastfeeding, bottle feeding, cloth diapers, disposable diapers, sleep schedules, on demand feeding... good grief moms! Give me a break... Lord just let my kid love you! More then anything I want them to know YOU Jesus and have a heart that beats after YOU! I realized that my hearts desire has always been to be a mom, no matter how my kiddos arrived. I want to be a mom that walks in peace and contentment even when curve balls are thrown my way. I want to walk in grace and not place expectations of perfection on myself or my kids. And the c-section recovery has been way easier then I thought. I was up and moving not long after surgery and have felt great with minimal pain.
We went into the OR about an hour later and within what felt like minutes our precious boy was here. The moment Austin and I heard his cry we both burst into tears. It has been the most intense bond we have ever felt. Let me just put your fears to rest about kids straining your marriage... I'm sure that battle will come at some point, but right now I have never loved or felt closer to Austin. There are moments when the only person that can calm Jace down is his daddy and I pray so often that they would develop a friendship and bond that will last for all of our lives. Austin is the most happy and relaxed dad and is smitten with Jace. If Jace is ever not nursing or getting his diaper changed he is laying on his daddy's chest. When we got up to the recovery room my Oma prayed over Jace and then later on Austin's family came in and prayed over him. This kid has the most rich heritage of people praying over him and loving him. The next 2 days were spent snuggling our precious boy and having all our friends and family come meet him.
Wednesday afternoon we got to take our little boy home! After we got home I was holding Jace and walking around and burst into tears. Mom hormones are intense! I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of a fulfilled dream. My heart has ached for motherhood as long as I can remember and there I was holding the little boy that made me a mama. I truly can't believe I get to be your mom, Jace. You and your dad are my greatest treasure on earth.
So far these last 2 weeks I have known such deep contentment and joy in motherhood. I had no idea the depth of the love you feel for your kids. It's a weight of love and responsibilty like I've never know. I have to constantly pray and surrender Jace right back to God or I get consumed with the love and responsibility I feel for him. I know I will have moments of frustration as a mom and times where I am exhausted and at my limit. But for all the expecting moms out there, don't listen to the negative talk. The bible tells us that children are a reward from God and the bible is right on point. Motherhood has brought more joy into my life then I thought possible. I miss him when he sleeps and even am thankful for the middle of the night times that I know I will miss when he's all grown up. I am trying my best to soak up every single moment. To put the To-Do list down and let him snuggle on my chest as long as he wants. I want to memorize his little face because I know that tomorrow he will be a little older and change a little bit more.
These last 2 weeks have flown by and he is already changing so much. He is a breastfeeding champion and eats about 9-10 times a day. Every 2 hours during the day and a 4 hour and 3 hour stretch at night. Eventually we will work our way to a schedule but for now he is a naturally good little sleeper and we aren't nearly as exhausted as we thought we would be. Now I know this kid is not the norm and some newborns are way more difficult and my heart goes out to you moms who aren't sleeping a wink. We are only 2 weeks in and things could change so I'm just thankful for the rest we've gotten! Jace has one fussy time usually sometime between 6-10pm where he just wants to nurse and get that little belly full for sleeping. The rest of the day he either sleeps or sits and stares wide eyed at everything around him. He is the most wiggly baby when he's awake and has about thrown himself off our laps several times. He has smiled a few times and I know when he actually starts reacting and smiling we are gonna be toast.
We are crazy about you Jacey boy and can't imagine what life was like before you got here. You bring your mom and dad so much joy we can hardly contain it.
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