Friday, January 27, 2017

On Being a Pastor's Kid

Austin and I have a lot in common.. same taste in movies, same sense of humor, same commitment to friendships (because we seriously both have incredible friends)... but one of our biggest things in common is that we were both raised Pastor's kids. Both our dads have been Senior Pastor's of their churches for over 20 years so it is the only real life we have known. There are a ton of benefits to being the pastor's kid... one of my favorites growing up was definitely having rights to all of the good nursery snacks. I can't tell you how many animal crackers I have consumed or sleeves of ritz crackers while watching Veggie Tales. My first job was being a bulletin cleaner upper at 9 years old where I got paid $5 a service to clean and replace every bulletin on every pew and man I thought I was big stuff. My parents used to get us up at 4am on Sunday mornings so they could go to their prayer meeting and I always thought it was SO cool to get to sleep at church in his office. 

But yet with all of that when people ask Austin and I if we will go into full time ministry we say no thank you unless God absolutely calls us into it without a shadow of a doubt. People often ask me why and I will without a doubt tell you that I think it is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Both our dad's could have easily chosen to be a Sunday morning kind of preacher. The one who shares a feel good message on Sunday morning and hires other people to do the "dirty work". I can promise you that there have been plenty of times I wish my dad would be like that because it would make life a whole lot easier. But we both witnessed our dad's truly get in the nitty gritty muck and mire with people. They chose to get uncomfortable and vulnerable and know their people from the inside out. I can't tell you the times I've woken up in the middle of the night to my dad still awake pouring over Scripture and sermon material or going through a situation over and over. I've seen both parents weep over countless deaths, divorces, miscarriages, broken friendships, lost jobs, cancer diagnoses and family strife. 

You see when you choose to get in people's dirt there is a lot more room for error. And there has been error. Our parents are imperfect people and they have made some big mistakes over the years. But all four of our parents would be the first to admit that they have deep flaws that make them so aware of their need for Jesus. I didn't grow up with this standard of perfection like a lot of Pastor's kids do because I knew how inherently flawed the human race is. I grew up seeing what sin can do to your life and how it can rip you apart from the inside out. I tasted all that this world has to offer through the pain that my parent's constantly waded through with people. My dad has always told me that it is just as important to know who you are when you are apart from Jesus to remind you of your great need for Him. There have been times in my life where my dad has been brutally honest with me and boy did it tick me off. But I look back now and thank God that he was. He didn't tell me what I wanted to hear or put a bandaid on my error, he exposed it and then helped me work through it. I almost broke up with Austin because of my own irrational fear and if it hadn't been for my dad's painful honesty I may have. THANK GOD I didn't. Thank God that He used my dad as a vessel of truth. 

When people tell me now that they want to be a pastor I pray that they understand the cost. You don't lose part of your life... you lose it all. You give up everything for the sake of Jesus Christ when you go into ministry. People place giant heaping expectations on you and every flaw of yours will be exposed for all to see. But if God does call us into full time ministry I pray that we would be just like John, Beth, Thomas and Lori. I pray that we would dive into the ugly dirt of people's life and walk arm in arm with people through their darkest times. I pray that we would know our own limitations and flaws just like they do so that we would rely heavily on our relationship with Jesus Christ. That is where the pain is but it is also where the riches are. There is nothing like seeing people walk in the freedom found in Jesus. There is nothing like sharing someone's burden and then watching God completely remove it from them. We have seen a lot of pain and suffering watching our parents minister the gospel but I would be lying if I didn't say we have seen a lot more incredible joy. 

Sunday, January 15, 2017

These Are The Days

This morning after Jace woke up and nursed I was trying to pump to stock up my freezer supply a little bit. About 3 minutes into it Jace started whining and fussing and pulling up on me to hold him. I felt frustrated wondering why can't I sit for just a minute and pump and he play independently? Normally he is really good at playing independently, but between a high fever and teeth coming in, he just wanted to be held. I let him fuss for a little while so I could finish pumping then put up my stuff and picked him up but was still frustrated. I wanted to clean the kitchen and vacuum up the mess that 11 puppies can make within a matter of minutes. 

Yes, you read that right... my dog had 11 puppies and so I have 12 dogs living in my house right now. This being the girl that was TERRIFIED of dogs growing up. I have come a long way! I decided to just sit with Jace for a few minutes and read a book. The magic in those moments is that he always stops crying and is so still if I will just sit with him. Everyday when I face a frustrating moment I'm struck with the thought that these are the days. The days that at the end of my life I will look back and say these were the best days of my life. The little years have their difficulties, but man have they been so sweet. There is a sweetness to my days at home with Jace like I have never known before. He is my little companion and buddy and I so love having one on one time with him. I will never have this again. When we have our next child my time will be split between two little loves. 

The days are definitely moving fast but for the first time in my life I am not anxious for future or longing for the past. I don't look back on newborn days and ache for them because every stage has brought so much joy. It really doesn't bring me any sorrow that he is growing up fast because I look forward to each new stage. Even when he is grown and gone I so look forward to having adult children as friends like Austin and I's parents are to us. I realize my vision of parenting may sound so rosy but there is a big part of me that believes that things are what you make of them to a certain degree. 

There are positive and negatives to every situation and it is up to you which ones you put more emphasis on. I don't want to just "get through" my days. I want to wring out all that each day has for me. I want to be fully present in the moment and take full advantage of this time in my life. God is refining me so much through motherhood. I am such a perfectionist and like things to be clean, pretty and orderly. Sometimes I strive so hard for perfection that I miss the beauty of the imperfection. There are crumbs all over the floor because there is a little boy who is a good eater who made that mess. Praise God for that! Don't wait until things are difficult to realize the blessing in it. There are some moms who would give anything for their kid to eat well and make a mess. There are some people who would give anything just to have that child who makes a mess. Soak up the wonder of each and every moment, whether it be difficult or joyful. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Sick Days

Yesterday after Jace's afternoon nap he woke up with his highest fever he's ever had. A combination of traveling, teething, and shots that day was more than his little body could handle. Thankfully motrin has been keeping the fever at bay and he seems to be improving today. All day long we have been lounging around and it seems counterintuitive to say this but it has been kind of magical. As much as I hate seeing my little boy suffer there is something so sweet and special about the extra snuggles and pajamas all day long. It has forced me to just sit and hold him and play with him. He is extra clingy and it has been so enjoyable to put the housework aside and just sit and play with my growing boy. There is a temptation to see all the negatives of a sick day, but I know these are the days I will look back on with fondness. My mom always was such a caretaker. Our sick days were made better by fresh sheets, warm baths and lots of cuddles. To be able to do that for my little boy now is an absolute dream come true. There is so much magic in motherhood. Every single day I am struck by the fact that I get to raise this amazing child. What an incredible gift he is. I pray that I would always stop and recognize the true gift that raising children is. To take the time to slow down and truly enjoy Jace and any other children God blesses us with. Time is limited and we only have so much of it. Before I know it he will be grown and gone so in the mean time I want to cherish every single moment, wether it be easy or tough.