On Being a Pastor's Kid

Austin and I have a lot in common.. same taste in movies, same sense of humor, same commitment to friendships (because we seriously both have incredible friends)... but one of our biggest things in common is that we were both raised Pastor's kids. Both our dads have been Senior Pastor's of their churches for over 20 years so it is the only real life we have known. There are a ton of benefits to being the pastor's kid... one of my favorites growing up was definitely having rights to all of the good nursery snacks. I can't tell you how many animal crackers I have consumed or sleeves of ritz crackers while watching Veggie Tales. My first job was being a bulletin cleaner upper at 9 years old where I got paid $5 a service to clean and replace every bulletin on every pew and man I thought I was big stuff. My parents used to get us up at 4am on Sunday mornings so they could go to their prayer meeting and I always thought it was SO cool to get to sleep at church in his office. 

But yet with all of that when people ask Austin and I if we will go into full time ministry we say no thank you unless God absolutely calls us into it without a shadow of a doubt. People often ask me why and I will without a doubt tell you that I think it is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Both our dad's could have easily chosen to be a Sunday morning kind of preacher. The one who shares a feel good message on Sunday morning and hires other people to do the "dirty work". I can promise you that there have been plenty of times I wish my dad would be like that because it would make life a whole lot easier. But we both witnessed our dad's truly get in the nitty gritty muck and mire with people. They chose to get uncomfortable and vulnerable and know their people from the inside out. I can't tell you the times I've woken up in the middle of the night to my dad still awake pouring over Scripture and sermon material or going through a situation over and over. I've seen both parents weep over countless deaths, divorces, miscarriages, broken friendships, lost jobs, cancer diagnoses and family strife. 

You see when you choose to get in people's dirt there is a lot more room for error. And there has been error. Our parents are imperfect people and they have made some big mistakes over the years. But all four of our parents would be the first to admit that they have deep flaws that make them so aware of their need for Jesus. I didn't grow up with this standard of perfection like a lot of Pastor's kids do because I knew how inherently flawed the human race is. I grew up seeing what sin can do to your life and how it can rip you apart from the inside out. I tasted all that this world has to offer through the pain that my parent's constantly waded through with people. My dad has always told me that it is just as important to know who you are when you are apart from Jesus to remind you of your great need for Him. There have been times in my life where my dad has been brutally honest with me and boy did it tick me off. But I look back now and thank God that he was. He didn't tell me what I wanted to hear or put a bandaid on my error, he exposed it and then helped me work through it. I almost broke up with Austin because of my own irrational fear and if it hadn't been for my dad's painful honesty I may have. THANK GOD I didn't. Thank God that He used my dad as a vessel of truth. 

When people tell me now that they want to be a pastor I pray that they understand the cost. You don't lose part of your life... you lose it all. You give up everything for the sake of Jesus Christ when you go into ministry. People place giant heaping expectations on you and every flaw of yours will be exposed for all to see. But if God does call us into full time ministry I pray that we would be just like John, Beth, Thomas and Lori. I pray that we would dive into the ugly dirt of people's life and walk arm in arm with people through their darkest times. I pray that we would know our own limitations and flaws just like they do so that we would rely heavily on our relationship with Jesus Christ. That is where the pain is but it is also where the riches are. There is nothing like seeing people walk in the freedom found in Jesus. There is nothing like sharing someone's burden and then watching God completely remove it from them. We have seen a lot of pain and suffering watching our parents minister the gospel but I would be lying if I didn't say we have seen a lot more incredible joy. 

These Are The Days

This morning after Jace woke up and nursed I was trying to pump to stock up my freezer supply a little bit. About 3 minutes into it Jace started whining and fussing and pulling up on me to hold him. I felt frustrated wondering why can't I sit for just a minute and pump and he play independently? Normally he is really good at playing independently, but between a high fever and teeth coming in, he just wanted to be held. I let him fuss for a little while so I could finish pumping then put up my stuff and picked him up but was still frustrated. I wanted to clean the kitchen and vacuum up the mess that 11 puppies can make within a matter of minutes. 

Yes, you read that right... my dog had 11 puppies and so I have 12 dogs living in my house right now. This being the girl that was TERRIFIED of dogs growing up. I have come a long way! I decided to just sit with Jace for a few minutes and read a book. The magic in those moments is that he always stops crying and is so still if I will just sit with him. Everyday when I face a frustrating moment I'm struck with the thought that these are the days. The days that at the end of my life I will look back and say these were the best days of my life. The little years have their difficulties, but man have they been so sweet. There is a sweetness to my days at home with Jace like I have never known before. He is my little companion and buddy and I so love having one on one time with him. I will never have this again. When we have our next child my time will be split between two little loves. 

The days are definitely moving fast but for the first time in my life I am not anxious for future or longing for the past. I don't look back on newborn days and ache for them because every stage has brought so much joy. It really doesn't bring me any sorrow that he is growing up fast because I look forward to each new stage. Even when he is grown and gone I so look forward to having adult children as friends like Austin and I's parents are to us. I realize my vision of parenting may sound so rosy but there is a big part of me that believes that things are what you make of them to a certain degree. 

There are positive and negatives to every situation and it is up to you which ones you put more emphasis on. I don't want to just "get through" my days. I want to wring out all that each day has for me. I want to be fully present in the moment and take full advantage of this time in my life. God is refining me so much through motherhood. I am such a perfectionist and like things to be clean, pretty and orderly. Sometimes I strive so hard for perfection that I miss the beauty of the imperfection. There are crumbs all over the floor because there is a little boy who is a good eater who made that mess. Praise God for that! Don't wait until things are difficult to realize the blessing in it. There are some moms who would give anything for their kid to eat well and make a mess. There are some people who would give anything just to have that child who makes a mess. Soak up the wonder of each and every moment, whether it be difficult or joyful. 

Sick Days

Yesterday after Jace's afternoon nap he woke up with his highest fever he's ever had. A combination of traveling, teething, and shots that day was more than his little body could handle. Thankfully motrin has been keeping the fever at bay and he seems to be improving today. All day long we have been lounging around and it seems counterintuitive to say this but it has been kind of magical. As much as I hate seeing my little boy suffer there is something so sweet and special about the extra snuggles and pajamas all day long. It has forced me to just sit and hold him and play with him. He is extra clingy and it has been so enjoyable to put the housework aside and just sit and play with my growing boy. There is a temptation to see all the negatives of a sick day, but I know these are the days I will look back on with fondness. My mom always was such a caretaker. Our sick days were made better by fresh sheets, warm baths and lots of cuddles. To be able to do that for my little boy now is an absolute dream come true. There is so much magic in motherhood. Every single day I am struck by the fact that I get to raise this amazing child. What an incredible gift he is. I pray that I would always stop and recognize the true gift that raising children is. To take the time to slow down and truly enjoy Jace and any other children God blesses us with. Time is limited and we only have so much of it. Before I know it he will be grown and gone so in the mean time I want to cherish every single moment, wether it be easy or tough. 

Christmas Silobration in Waco, TX

So if you know me well you know I am slightly obsessed with HGTV's Fixer Upper. They are in season 4 now and I have been a faithful follower since season 1. I follow the blog, watch the show, subscribe to the magazine, follow them on instagram, and have read the book. They are such a fun couple to watch and I love how wholesome and family-oriented their show is. Not to mention the fact that Joanna's style is PERFECTION. When I first watched the show I told Austin I had found my decorating soul-mate. But I'm pretty sure half the women in America feel the same way. A few months ago they posted that they were having a Christmas Silobration with Santa Clause and a Christmas concert with Shane and Shane. God bless my adventurous husband for saying "Let's Go!" to his overly cautious, think through everything, we should just save that money- wife. I'm so glad we did because we had the best time.

We woke up at 4am on Friday to catch our 6am flight and our baby was a champion. It was Jace's first flight and he did amazing. He was so fascinated with the window and the noise when taking off and landing. He slept for a little while on the plane but was mostly just entertained with pulling my hair and eating puffs (puffs are life!). We flew into Dallas, TX and got our first rental car now that we are over the age of 25 and so adult. We spent the morning shopping and had lunch at the best barbecue in Texas, Hard 8. They cook all the meat right in front of you and the brisket literally melts in your mouth.. SO good.

From there we drove the 90 minutes to Waco and checked into our La Quinta hotel. The hotel was great- affordable, clean, and right next door to Common Grounds coffee shop. Common Grounds is this cute little trendy coffee shop that was featured in Season 2 when the owners got their house renovated.

From there we went to Clint Harp's store front and home which are right next door to each other. Clint doesn't live there anymore and I don't blame him one bit because of people like me who had no problems standing in his front yard to take pictures. When we pulled up Clint was there in the back filming for his show and I may have squealed a few times. His shop is adorable and so homey and cozy like all things Joanna Gaines. People were visiting from all over the world and it was so fun to talk to other people who share the love for Fixer Upper. I told Austin I now totally understand how he would feel at a major sporting event surrounded by people who love what he loves. 

After browsing and buying an ornament, we went back to Common Grounds where we realized how un-hipsterish we are and then crashed for the night in our hotel. It took Jace a while to fall asleep when he realized he was sharing a room with mom and dad all night but once asleep he was out for the night (hallelujah)! He is an amazing sleeper but I was worried being so off schedule would throw him off. He did great!

Saturday morning we got up bright and early and had breakfast in the hotel. We walked to Magnolia Market after that around 8am to try to beat the crowds. The store was everything I hoped it would be and more. Every display was perfect and if you can get high sniffing Joanna Gaines choice scented candles then that would explain the euphoria I felt. The workers were pretty much all Baylor students and they were so friendly, fun and nice. St. Nick was there and he was the most genuine looking St. Nick I have ever seen. They have a bakery and a garden shop on the grounds and a ton of outdoor picnic tables and Christmas lights. It. Was. Magical.

We spent the rest of the day exploring Waco a little more and also shopped at Spice Village which was a lot of fun! The crowds were crazy so we spent the afternoon taking a nice long family nap in the hotel. Traveling with kids is the BEST because you can use your kid as an excuse to go take a long nap. We headed back to Magnolia around 6 for the concert and ate the most delicious gourmet grilled cheese from one of the Food Trucks on the grounds. The concert was definitely the highlight of the trip for me. Shane and Shane and Phil Wickham performed and it was so beautiful and worshipful. They played as many worship songs as they did Christmas songs and it felt more like a night of worship than a concert.

After the concert we headed back to our hotel to put our little sleepy boy to bed. The next morning we were up bright and early again to drive to Dallas to catch our 9am flight back home. When we got home Jace was thoroughly exhausted and took a 3 1/2 hour nap while I tried to recapture the entire weekend in my mind. It was a great trip and one I would highly recommend! The one thing I would do that we didn't is take a tour with the Waco Tour group because they drive you around to several of the Fixer Upper's that have been done on previous seasons. It was also a very affordable trip and one I would definitely consider doing again! It was quite a nice surprise how well Jace did traveling and so I don't think this will be the end of our family adventures! Also one of the BEST parts of our trip was when my very very active and wiggly little boy fell asleep on me on the plane ride home! Not even Joanna Gaines can compare with this...

Thanksgiving 2016

This year is Jace's first Holiday season and it makes every moment of it extra special. He may not have any idea what is going on, but it sure does make our celebration more fun having him along for the ride. We had a wonderful weekend full of family time this year and I don't want to forget a single detail. We alternate which family we go to for Thanksgiving and this year we were with Austin's family! Since our families live so close we are able to do both for Christmas, but have felt like cramming both into Thanksgiving would be too stressful. 

This year we gathered at Austin's parents house with his mom's side of the family! His cousins are all around our age and some of our good friends. We ate lunch together and spent the rest of the day relaxing, going on a walk, and playing games. Jace took 2 long naps and I think all of the people and food wore him out because he was ready for bed again by 6pm. I gladly volunteered to take him home and put him to bed so I could curl up on the couch and watch Christmas movies while shopping online. Having kids really is the best excuse to go home and rest for this extroverted introvert! 

That precious smile... Oh Jace you light up our world!

My boy!

Somebody loves his daddy!

Walking with his Lolly!

On Black Friday of this year I worked and was pretty sad about it because my mom and I have Black Friday shopped for about 10 years now. But it ended up being a great day at work and really the online sales this year have been AMAZING. Shopping from your couch in your pajamas is pretty awesome. On Saturday we celebrated Jace's bff's birthday! Joel and Brittanie are some of our closest friends and their little boy Brantley turns 1 in a few weeks. He had a cowboy themed party and is just the cutest, happiest little buddy!  We have some fun things coming up this Holiday season and I am so excited for all of it. Our dog Bailey is due with puppy's, we are traveling to Waco for the Magnolia Market Christmas Silobration, and Austin's youngest brother is getting married! 

In the midst of the craziness I find it so hard to not get wrapped up in the materialism of Christmas and lose the heart of it. My mom and I started the SheReadsTruth Advent study and it is really helping me re-focus. Oh Jesus that you would quiet my heart this year and create in me a longing for Your return. I want to focus on celebrating the birth of my Savior this year, recognizing the great Hope that He brought to this earth. Merry Christmas everyone and may your Christmas season be full of the hope and peace that only Jesus Christ can bring!

Failure

One of the greatest fears I have struggled with is the fear of failure. I have gone so far as to not even try for fear of failing at something new. I like being good at things and having the assurance that I will succeed. Raising a child has magnified this fear of failure. I was handed the most precious treasure I have ever been given on this earth and suddenly I have been asked to make a thousand decisions that will shape him into the person he will become. This responsibility has caused me to want to overanalyze every.single.decision. 

Did I feed him too much or not enough? Did I let him cry too long or should I have waited longer to go in and get him? Should I have skipped the vaccine or gotten it? Should we make our own baby food or buy the (awesome) pre-filled pouches? Should I work or stay-home? Should I show mercy or bring correction? And I haven't even gotten to the truly crucial years where I am helping shape a soul not just a body. 

As I was praying this morning, a pretty strong thought hit me... I will fail my kids. At some point or another, I will fail them. I will say or do the wrong thing and disappoint them. Now that is not to say that I won't try my hardest and lean on God's grace and wisdom every single day. That is not a free pass to throw my hands in the air and give up. But it does set me free to realize that my kids need to see me fail. If I never failed them how would I show them a need for God's forgiveness?

The foundation of my belief system in Jesus Christ is that I am a sinner in need of saving. More than my kids need a perfect parent, they need to realize that there is a perfect Jesus who will not let them down, even when I do. If we never show our kids our weakness, how will they be able to attest to God's strength? 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. Somewhere along the road we have gotten the idea that following Christ means we have our act together. I want to teach my kids that I follow Christ because I don't have my act together. When I fail it opens the door for me to point my kids to the One who will not fail them. When I say the wrong thing it opens the door to ask my kids forgiveness and teach them about the ultimate forgiveness found in Jesus Christ. 

So let's walk in the freedom we are meant to walk in Jesus Christ. The pursuit of perfection in ourselves is an empty pursuit that strangles the life out of our joy. If I were truly perfect I would give my kids no reason for placing their faith in Jesus Christ. I want to be a person that shows my brokenness, humility, and weakness so that I can boast all the more gladly in Christ's strength. 

Jace: 4 and 5 Months

Something about the 4th month made everything easier! Jace started sleeping through the night consistently without waking up for the pacifier, and nap times got easier too! Since then it has just gotten better and more fun! We introduced solid foods right before 5 months and he has loved them. He started using his walker in the 4th month and LOVES it. He also has started sitting up independently and can roll both sides. At 4 months Jace went through a phase of getting startled by every loud noise and would poke his bottom lip out and scream. It was the cutest thing ever but we were a little worried he would be like that forever. Austin is always loud so this made us kind of nervous but turns out it was just a phase. I've realized that most things with kids are just phases and if you are patient and stay positive it will be over before you know it.

I went back to work after Jace turned 5 months and it has actually been a great transition. I am only working 1-2 days a week and Jace stays with my mom, mother in law, or Austin if it's the weekend. He is such a happy camper and has bonded even more closely with Austin and our family since having alone time with them. It is tough to be away but I'm thankful it is not very often and that we have such awesome family to spend time with him. I truly believe grandparents are so beneficial to children and provide a different source of comfort and mentorship that even parents can't give a child. I love that Jace has incredible grandparents to spend time with and look up to. I have also been shocked how anxious I was to leave Jace and being back at work has helped me realize he will be just fine if I have to step away. The 5th month also brought some belly laughter out of Jace and it is the absolute best sound in the world! Life with this little bud just gets better and more fun and I can't wait to see what he will do next.